Jan. 20, 2019

Since last I posted, I found out that my cancer is Triple Negative.  At first, I thought that must be good. Anything negative usually is, right?  Not in the case of breast cancer.  It just means that this particular kind of cancer will not respond to the newer drugs that are working wonders.  It only responds to surgery and chemotherapy. And, what they don't dwell on, is, if these two strategies don't work, well, you are kind of out of options.  I've been reading a lot, especially, on breastcancer.org and its message boards.  Many women  on there are sharing a long time survival rate for TN.  And, I also talked to my cousin and found out this we the type of cancer she had years ago and has survived.  She did have a double  mastectomy and a hellish road of chemotherapy, but she is alive and well.  She only means well, but  her cheer-leading attitude kind of pisses me off.  Unlike her, Im just not the kind of person who screams at my boob to stop and leave her body .  Maybe I should be.  I'm not angry at my abbynormal cells.  they are just doing what damaged cells do.  And, I might have to learn to take some ownership in the shit I did that caused it.  I smoked. When I was young I did drugs like LSD, that might have changed my DNA.   I probably inhaled too many chemical fumes in my life.  I've never really cared about eating my daily minimal servings of vegetables.  So, yeah, I can be mad at the cancer, or I can accept the Karma of not taking care of myself.  My doctors are pretty cool.  At least they didn't piss me off.  I don't have far to travel for treatment-- about 12 minutes.  God bless those women who have to travel hours.  The way I drive these days, the traffic would kill be before the cancer.  I told most of the people I'm close to and my closest relatives, except I still haven't told my son.  Adam is a sensitive man.  And , he troubles with a lot of emotional problems, too.  So, if I tell him, is he going to go off on the deep end and start using drugs again?  Sometimes I can read stories about mass shootings and they are always done my a disturbed man who has had a life "trigger."  Like losing a parent.

Wed, Jan 16, 12:15 PM (4 days ago)
to me

Today ups delivered my "welcome package" from KU hospital. It was filled with lots of lovely pictures of the campus and facility and smiling doctors. It also came with instructions to fill out a detailed health questionnaire. The only question missing was when you exited your mother's wound, how loud did you scream? Even though my medical files are all in the ku system, im asked to repeat everything again. I think im just going to print them out and attached to the folder which you are told to bring with you to your first appointment. This piece of mail was very sobering. It outlines your financial obligation and how $50 co pay for specialists will apply each visit.it hit me that this was going to be a very expensive and time consuming illness. Then i researched radiation therapy and did not like what i read about side effects. Hell, am im even going to be able to work? Will it be better just to opt to have my boobs cut off? And i still havent told my son, my cousin, my brother. I dont want to be a cancer hero. I dont even like the word survivor. 

Jan. 11, 2019

Tonight i am going to bed knowing for the first time, i have cancer. Today, ive lived with it for the first time in the daytime. I washed my face, watched "Friends" ate some cereal, all the while I have cancer.  I folded laundry, worked on a freelance project, all while i have cancer. This morning about 8:30 i got the call. After being called back from a mammogram that showed a difference between now and last year, they wanted another scan. It was said to look like a cluster of calcification spots, 3 tiny pin head spots on my left breast. 98 percent of these types of spots are benign. But i knew mine would not be. Why? Because i was not worried. Every mammogram i always sweated the results. But not this time. It didn't matter. I wasn't afraid. I didn't have a bad feeling, just no feeling at all.  It was the sense of calm that made me realized this was it. Now, i have to wait 7 days to see two doctors who will tell me how the rest of my life might go down.  I am not going to lose sleep, in fact, i am quite tired. I told two friends and my husband today. One friend said she knew two women who easily survived this kind of cancer. My other friend:  "we will get through this." My husband hugged me and mumbled something and took the dog for a walk. I totally got it. I love him so much.