Wed, Jan 16, 12:15 PM (4 days ago)
to me

Today ups delivered my "welcome package" from KU hospital. It was filled with lots of lovely pictures of the campus and facility and smiling doctors. It also came with instructions to fill out a detailed health questionnaire. The only question missing was when you exited your mother's wound, how loud did you scream? Even though my medical files are all in the ku system, im asked to repeat everything again. I think im just going to print them out and attached to the folder which you are told to bring with you to your first appointment. This piece of mail was very sobering. It outlines your financial obligation and how $50 co pay for specialists will apply each visit.it hit me that this was going to be a very expensive and time consuming illness. Then i researched radiation therapy and did not like what i read about side effects. Hell, am im even going to be able to work? Will it be better just to opt to have my boobs cut off? And i still havent told my son, my cousin, my brother. I dont want to be a cancer hero. I dont even like the word survivor. 

Jan. 11, 2019

Tonight i am going to bed knowing for the first time, i have cancer. Today, ive lived with it for the first time in the daytime. I washed my face, watched "Friends" ate some cereal, all the while I have cancer.  I folded laundry, worked on a freelance project, all while i have cancer. This morning about 8:30 i got the call. After being called back from a mammogram that showed a difference between now and last year, they wanted another scan. It was said to look like a cluster of calcification spots, 3 tiny pin head spots on my left breast. 98 percent of these types of spots are benign. But i knew mine would not be. Why? Because i was not worried. Every mammogram i always sweated the results. But not this time. It didn't matter. I wasn't afraid. I didn't have a bad feeling, just no feeling at all.  It was the sense of calm that made me realized this was it. Now, i have to wait 7 days to see two doctors who will tell me how the rest of my life might go down.  I am not going to lose sleep, in fact, i am quite tired. I told two friends and my husband today. One friend said she knew two women who easily survived this kind of cancer. My other friend:  "we will get through this." My husband hugged me and mumbled something and took the dog for a walk. I totally got it. I love him so much.